Alphabet Blessings-Book Review

Maybe my title is a little misleading. I guess this is only partially a review of this book. Bear with me as I also want to use today's post as a little bit of a "journal" entry for myself. I don't normally write in a journal but when I come across things that I want to remember I like to write them in a place I can come back to again and again.

Awhile back, when I was beginning my first IVF cycle in November 2013, I attended a 31 party with a friend of mine. I casually mentioned to the 31 rep that I was getting ready to start my first cycle and she opened up that she also had been through IVF. We even were going to the same RE (reproductive endocrinologist). She was so nice and we told each other we would pray for the other because it seems like that's the only thing you can do for another person going through this. She did tell me about a book that her and her DH had read when they had gone through this before titled "Alphabet Blessings" by Jenifer A. Cotter, D.O. A week or so after the party, I received a large envelope in the mail. This girl who I had never met until this party had sent me the book on loan. Of course, with Christmas and then the devastating blow of the first cycle not working, I never read the book. Well, I got an email this week asking if I was finished reading it would I mind returning it since they were going to be cycling and wanted to read it again. I felt so bad that I had kept it this long. I decided to start flipping through it before putting it into the mail this week.

What I found was an author who was both a doctor and a fellow IVF'er. She is able to put into words almost exactly what I have felt at various times over the two failed cycles and what I imagine most, if not all, IVF'ers feel as well. I want to share just a few of these excerpts here. I hope that if you read this and are also going through the battles of IVF, it will help in some way. If you are reading just as my friend and supporter, maybe this will better help you to understand the confusing tumult of emotions that I go through on an almost daily basis but feel bad telling anyone about.

"Infertility is a condition of inadequacy. These are often feelings of shame, guilt and anger toward ourselves and those around us."

"For many of us, our sadness is compounded by intense feelings of guilt. In situations where it is purely a female factor  or purely a male factor, the affected person must carry the burden of a childless home. Whether we have spoken the words or only thought them, the idea that our partner  would be better  off with someone else is a common one. 'If you married someone else you could have children,' or 'If it wasn't for me, you could have children.' For all the pain we carry inside for being responsible for our inability to conceive, we also carry the guilt of hurting our partner. Of course, it is not something we do intentionally and, most often, our loved one would never lay full blame at our feet, but we own their pain as much as we own ours. Guilt can be quite the demon. Oftentimes guilt makes us lash out at the ones we love because we are so hard on ourselves. We take every comment as an attack or a judgement. If we constantly point the finger at ourselves, then our partners must be pointing at us as well. How could they possibly see past what is so glaringly obvious: The sound of a child's laugh may never echo through this house because of me. I hate myself for that.
"And with the self-hate comes anger at the world around us. Why is is that so many unwanted babies are born when I desperately want one but am denied? Why will the government spend thousands and thousands of dollars to care for those same unwanted children but won't provide me with the opportunity to become a self-supporting parent? Why does my cash flow, my credit rating, or my insurance company get to decide if I am worthy of parenthood?"

"Do we feel sorry for ourselves? Oh yes, we do. We feel as though we are being punished unjustly. We follow the rules. We pay our taxes. We lead a good life. We expect to have the same opportunity as everyone else when it comes to getting pregnant, but instead we seem to get the short end of the stick, time and time again. But for all our self-pity, the absolute last thing we want from anyone else is pity. Far and above this, we desire understanding. Understanding for the pain we endure, understanding for the way this diagnosis affects every aspect of our lives, and understanding for our inability to give up on our dream, no matter the cost of chasing it.
"All of these emotions lie just beneath the surface. Some days we wage a war against ourselves to not be angry today, to not cry today, to not think about having a child for one lousy day, leaving us exhausted and beaten down. Other days, we see hope and possibility in the pregnant woman next to us, the small child tugging at mommy's hand, and, we think, my time will come. I have faith."

We Don't Know What the Future Holds

I have such a heavy heart today. I can't even focus my attention where it needs to be. We're hurt, confused and sad.

I had not posted anything about beginning our second cycle of IVF simply because the hurt from the first failed attempt was so hard for me to deal with. I was angry at God for letting it happen and angry at myself for even thinking those thoughts. I thought was a bad Christian and even a bad person which just sunk me lower. I can't even imagine why he has given me this longing to be a mother when there doesn't seem to be a way to fulfill it.

I managed to get right with myself and refocus on the blessings the Lord has given Jamie and I.

And I had HOPE must of all for this next cycle. Dr. Fritz had a plan to address the endometriomas on my ovaries to help the cycle perform better hopefully. Things worked like they were supposed to and I went on my stim meds with positive results. In this cycle they were able to retrieve 12 eggs as compared to 6-7 in the last cycle. When they fertilized, we had 7 embryos. That's a huge step up from the only 3 we had in the first cycle. When I got the call on day 3 (the first possible day for the embryo transfer), they said they wanted to go ahead and transfer 2 because they were the best quality-one was near perfect. We got to the RE office and ended up waiting for quite awhile because the doctor that was supposed to perform the transfer had gotten hung up in the OR in Chapel Hill. It turned out to be the best thing because Dr. Fritz stopped by the office just to check in and said he would do it since he was there. And after looking at the remaining embryos, he decided to transfer 3. There were 3 that were quality enough to put back in my uterus while the others like wouldn't make it to blastocyst stage because they were poorer quality (which meant, again, we probably wouldn't have any to freeze). Everything seemed to be setting up so well I think we thought how could this possibly fail?

I had several scares (because everything freaked me out of course) where I had some blood or some cramping. But from others who had gone through successful IVF cycles, it sounded like everything was happening the way it should.

Until Sunday, March 16. I had not been sleeping the greatest and had been feeling bad the day before thanks to another colitis flare up. Yes, I had stressed myself out enough during this cycle to cause this flare even after a colonoscopy 3-4 weeks prior had shown that my UC was in remission and no signs of ulcers. I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and saw it. Blood. Bright red not the pink like I had seen before. I knew immediately what that meant. My beta HCG test (pregnancy blood test) wasn't scheduled until Wednesday, March 19 (which would be today). I knew I couldn't wait that long. I emailed the nurse who has been so wonderful to answer all my questions patiently and not make me feel like an idiot. She was out of the office on Sunday but responded Monday morning that Dr. Fritz said I could go ahead and come in for the test on Monday or Tuesday. Since I was already off work Monday from the flare, I drove in and had them take the blood.

I got the official call yesterday around lunch time. It was, in fact, negative.

While I knew this was the outcome and Jamie and I had already had our time to be sad, I still couldn't help feeling that wave of emotion all over again. Even today, I'm crying while I type this. There is truly a period of grief that you go through.

We have no idea what the future holds at this time. We had purchased a package that included 2 fresh cycles and 2 frozen cycles. Because we never had embryos to freeze, we forfeited the frozen cycles. At this point, we have exhausted our package. Dr. Fritz was cautiously optimistic in this last cycle and I'm not sure if that means that he won't want to perform another cycle on us or not. We have an appointment scheduled on April 9 to meet with him but I've also asked for him to call me before then just to find out if the door is still open to that idea. I don't want to get there on the 9th and be blindsided.

I would like to ask for prayers for Jamie and I. Prayers for peace and comfort as we go through this sad time. Prayers for wisdom from the medical staff and from us that the right decisions are made for the future. And most of for prayers that we will somehow understand this grand plan that God has for us.

We are beyond blessed to have our friends' and families' support through this and we could never say thank you enough.