I have such a heavy heart today. I can't even focus my attention where it needs to be. We're hurt, confused and sad.
I had not posted anything about beginning our second cycle of IVF simply because the hurt from the first failed attempt was so hard for me to deal with. I was angry at God for letting it happen and angry at myself for even thinking those thoughts. I thought was a bad Christian and even a bad person which just sunk me lower. I can't even imagine why he has given me this longing to be a mother when there doesn't seem to be a way to fulfill it.
I managed to get right with myself and refocus on the blessings the Lord has given Jamie and I.
And I had HOPE must of all for this next cycle. Dr. Fritz had a plan to address the endometriomas on my ovaries to help the cycle perform better hopefully. Things worked like they were supposed to and I went on my stim meds with positive results. In this cycle they were able to retrieve 12 eggs as compared to 6-7 in the last cycle. When they fertilized, we had 7 embryos. That's a huge step up from the only 3 we had in the first cycle. When I got the call on day 3 (the first possible day for the embryo transfer), they said they wanted to go ahead and transfer 2 because they were the best quality-one was near perfect. We got to the RE office and ended up waiting for quite awhile because the doctor that was supposed to perform the transfer had gotten hung up in the OR in Chapel Hill. It turned out to be the best thing because Dr. Fritz stopped by the office just to check in and said he would do it since he was there. And after looking at the remaining embryos, he decided to transfer 3. There were 3 that were quality enough to put back in my uterus while the others like wouldn't make it to blastocyst stage because they were poorer quality (which meant, again, we probably wouldn't have any to freeze). Everything seemed to be setting up so well I think we thought how could this possibly fail?
I had several scares (because everything freaked me out of course) where I had some blood or some cramping. But from others who had gone through successful IVF cycles, it sounded like everything was happening the way it should.
Until Sunday, March 16. I had not been sleeping the greatest and had been feeling bad the day before thanks to another colitis flare up. Yes, I had stressed myself out enough during this cycle to cause this flare even after a colonoscopy 3-4 weeks prior had shown that my UC was in remission and no signs of ulcers. I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and saw it. Blood. Bright red not the pink like I had seen before. I knew immediately what that meant. My beta HCG test (pregnancy blood test) wasn't scheduled until Wednesday, March 19 (which would be today). I knew I couldn't wait that long. I emailed the nurse who has been so wonderful to answer all my questions patiently and not make me feel like an idiot. She was out of the office on Sunday but responded Monday morning that Dr. Fritz said I could go ahead and come in for the test on Monday or Tuesday. Since I was already off work Monday from the flare, I drove in and had them take the blood.
I got the official call yesterday around lunch time. It was, in fact, negative.
While I knew this was the outcome and Jamie and I had already had our time to be sad, I still couldn't help feeling that wave of emotion all over again. Even today, I'm crying while I type this. There is truly a period of grief that you go through.
We have no idea what the future holds at this time. We had purchased a package that included 2 fresh cycles and 2 frozen cycles. Because we never had embryos to freeze, we forfeited the frozen cycles. At this point, we have exhausted our package. Dr. Fritz was cautiously optimistic in this last cycle and I'm not sure if that means that he won't want to perform another cycle on us or not. We have an appointment scheduled on April 9 to meet with him but I've also asked for him to call me before then just to find out if the door is still open to that idea. I don't want to get there on the 9th and be blindsided.
I would like to ask for prayers for Jamie and I. Prayers for peace and comfort as we go through this sad time. Prayers for wisdom from the medical staff and from us that the right decisions are made for the future. And most of for prayers that we will somehow understand this grand plan that God has for us.
We are beyond blessed to have our friends' and families' support through this and we could never say thank you enough.
Ashley, I am so heartsick for you. I have walked this road and it is so much harder than anybody imagines. My sister, Sarah, mentioned that you had a failed round and shared your blog with me because she knows my background. I understand how hard IF is (we tried and failed to conceive for 3 years before getting fast tracked to IVF), and I am starting another IVF round in April. Like you, we will never conceive a child naturally - and that is a very hard thing. And even with IVF, it is not clear I will conceive again. But please know you do not have to do this alone. I'm happy to talk to you if you feel comfortable, but if not, please look into Resolve. It is the best thing that happened to me on my first journey through this process. They offer support groups throughout the country, and you'll be surrounded by women who understand exactly what you feel. Here is there website: http://www.resolve.org/
ReplyDelete